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Archive for the ‘Things That Suck’ Category

You mean, ‘A Way to Get Laid’, right?

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Today, I discovered this, thanks to Windows Live Messenger. The 10 Best Dating Tips From Bartenders.

Now, it caught my interest because, well, firstly, most people I know go to the bar to get laid or go out with friends and totally ignore everybody else, and not to find a date. Maybe I know strange people. But personally, I wouldn’t go on a date with somebody I met at the bar, unless I met them through a friend. At the bar. Anyway, the tips these bartenders give. I think they kind of suck.

“It’s a gutsy move, but if you go to a bar alone, you’re guaranteed to get hit on all night.” —Lauren, 11th Street Bar in New York City

No shit, Sherlock. You’re an easy target if you do that. Hell, once I was waiting for a friend, alone at a busy bar, wearing jeans and a sweater. I looked pretty shoddy and probably wasn’t wearing make up nor had I bothered to do my hair. Did I get hit on? Yes. Why? I was alone, with nobody to talk to. Poor me.

The problem? To me, being alone can attract unwanted attention. If you’re alone nobody knows who you’ve gone home with or took home. If I were a sexual predator, guess who would be my prey?

“You don’t want to come in with a huge group of girls, but you need to bring more than one friend. When there are just two, it’s really hard for a guy to strike up a conversation with one girl without making her friend feel abandoned.” —Paul, Clem’s in Brooklyn, New York

If you want to get laid, perhaps this is good advice. But what if your two friends want to get laid that night too? One of your two friends is left the problem this is meant to solve, the other is left with the problem in the quote above. What now?

“Skip the Long Island Iced Tea and Appletinis. Walk into a bar and order yourself a nice bourbon like Knob Creek on the rocks or a local brew and guys will respect you more.” —Lauren, 11th Street Bar in New York City

And then they will lose all the respect you just gained as you cringe at the taste. Now, one would assume that if you like things with titles like Long Island Iced Tea or Appletinis* you like your drinks sweet. So sweet you can’t taste the liquor. Why would you order such a thing, now? For a killer hangover the next morning, perhaps. Or to cover to the taste of something gross. My advice: make sure you can drink your hard liquor staight before you attempt this.

*Disclaimer: I’ve never tried either, but they sound like girly drinks. The kind that is made so sweet you can’t taste the alcohol.

“It doesn’t always work when a guy buys a drink for girl, but whenever a girl sends a drink over to a guy, believe me, they always leave together.” —Linda, 437 Rush in Chicago

That’s not getting a date, babe. That’s a one night stand. Know the difference. I mean, are you so naive to think that they leave together to have coffee or dinner? At 2am?

“Tip the bartender well and he may be able to hook you up. I’ve been known to slide over a free shot to help a guy get the girl, and vice versa.” —Brian, Saba Blue Water Café in Austin, Texas

I’m a really good tipper. Never works for me. But again, that’s getting laid. Not a date.

“The best way make sure you’ll have an amazing time is to head to a spot that’s totally your scene, so you won’t seem bored or feel out of place. If you’re in the market for meeting a guy, stick to a quieter, more laid-back bar.” —Dacia, Momo’s in Austin, Texas

Meeting a guy .. for what?? Again, last I checked, if you want to meet somebody at a bar, the usual thing is that you want to get laid, and usually nothing more. Anyway, this should be plain obvious. I mean, if I am a hardcore goth, I would not go to a country bar to get a guy.

“A little eye contact works wonders. Try this move: Look up, smile, then look down coquettishly. It’ll get his attention, and he’ll know you won’t blow him off.” —Linda, 437 Rush in Chicago

But it’s a sign that you’ll simply blow him?

You could always just stare at his crotch. Funny, though staring at a girls tits won’t get you very far.

“Talk to the bartender. You’ll seem friendly, and it’s much easier for a guy to jump in on a conversation you’ve got going than to approach you on his own.” —Brian, bartender at Saba Blue Water Café in Austin, Texas

Ever tried having conversation with a bartender at a busy bar? They are swarmed. People need their booze. Stop being selfish. Besides you might get a creeper that likes to eavesdrop and spy.

“When a guy uses a horrible line, like, ‘You look like my mother,’ get him to back off by being totally direct and saying, ‘I’m not interested.’ Otherwise he’ll interpret a sugar-coated rejection as a mixed message.”—Dacia, Momo’s in Austin, Texas

What I can say is that bad pickup lines that courage. That’s something I like in a guy. But I’ve been told I have strange taste in guys.

This bit of advice should be obvious.

“Blunt honesty. Just be straight up and say, ‘You should call me sometime.’ By the end of the night most of us guys are normally too buzzed to catch subtlety.” —Paul, Clem’s in Brooklyn, New York

Make sure he remembers who you are, too. He might be drinking so he doesn’t care what you look like so he won’t have an issue putting his dong inside you. I also think buzzed the definitely the wrong terminology here.

Anyways, apart from the above: all this is aimed at women. All women have to do to get laid, is to go to the bar in the most revealing outfit the weather will permit, and sit there, looking pretty. A guy will approach you. How selective said female is is the problem. If you want to meet prince charming at the bar, sorry to say it, but it probably won’t happen. Sorry.

Additionally, bartenders more often watch people picking up other people. For a one night stand. If you get lucky and score yourself a date … does the bartender know? Maybe in a tiny, not so busy bar.

My conclusion: Rename your list to ‘Blatantly Obvious Things to Consider When Going to the Bar to Get Laid’

Written by Ali

May 24, 2010 at 12:09 am

Posted in Things That Suck

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I’m angry today

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Dear Mister Next Door Neighbor Sir:

Why are you digging massively huge holes in your backyard with a huge tractor? You back yard is tiny. You can use something smaller and not so noisy.

And why must you do this at 7am. I like to be asleep at that time.

Thanks,
Sleepy Girl

I’m angry today. Very.

Written by Ali

March 4, 2008 at 11:50 pm

Posted in Things That Suck

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Why the food industry should suck my dick

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Fuck you, simple carbs. FUCK YOU.

I want to kill the asshats who decided it’s a good idea to remove all the fiber and shit from wheat, making a perfectly good slice of bread, not only nutritionally empty, but also fucking addictive. That’s a great marketing strategy, yeah. Make products high on the glycemic index. Sell product. People eat one. Blood sugar spikes. Then drops. Person goes OH FUCK I’M HUNGRY NEED MORE. They eat the whole box, and then realize, they need to buy some more. Thanks. You just made god knows how many people fat/miserable/broke/dead, just so you can take home at extra quarter at the end of the day.

So, thank you, food industry asshats. I hope you get very fat, go bankrupt and then die.

Written by Ali

March 4, 2008 at 9:38 pm

Posted in Food, Things That Suck

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